Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Risotto and Tears


The other day my dear friend opened her door to me holding a brown bag of ingredients for my risotto. I then proceeded to make it for her in her oh-so-lovely kitchen because, you know, that's just what you do.

And then I proceeded to cry woe is me while my son peed on her carpet. (In his defense, I just realized that he was trying to find the bathroom door instead of sneaking into her bedroom like we thought and just couldn't make it.)

I left thinking, "really, could it have been more weird?" She wasn't weird, because frankly, you cannot help but adore this gal who loves me unconditionally. But instead it was weird that... "here I am-where I want to be" and I cried and lamented and I was weird. Not exactly the visit you hope for after a year of separation. I hope she can forgive me.

But still, I left thinking about things.

I left thinking how nice it was that she was able to tell me that I was a good mother. And that I believed her.

I left realizing that it was okay to not love snuggling with my daughter anymore and that when they are so big it really does just feel awkward. I still do snuggle with her, of course, but it's nice to know that feeling awkward is normal.

I left wondering when it was exactly that I changed from a girl to a woman. A woman who's burden is heavy and who is not always funny anymore and that it is normal to not be as funny.

I left grateful for true friends. Ones that let me make them risotto and let my son pee on their carpet. Ones that love me for me. That don't mind my tears and drama and lack of silliness.

I left knowing that it is okay to be an adult. That I am still lovely as a woman who has bigger challenges than what to wear in the morning. That life is not all sunshine and rainbows. That peace can be found in the car with Dora the Explorer playing in the background.

It is okay to be where I am and to be me...all grown up.
After all... grown-ups get to make risotto.

And before some other friends who shall remain nameless get offended that they didn't get a visit and risotto-- don't worry, your time will come.

4 comments:

Kristie and Ryan said...

If a little pee on the carpet is all it cost me to have you in my kitchen again, it was a small price to pay! Every time I remember that you're really here, I find myself grinning. hugely. I love you Carrie, and I love your introspection about everything, you are beautiful.

gkgirl said...

awwwwww....
i LOVE this.
and so many of the things
you talked about,
i totally get...
sigh...
if only you were closer...
your son could pee on my floor...
heehee

Jenna said...

Carrie,

What a beautifully written post - I can NOT wait until you come and cook risotto for me. I will leave the bathroom door open so there is no confusion for kiddos. I can also make food for you while we both cry. Because I can not have someone cry without joining in. I totally get what you are saying about snuggling. It is so awkward the older they get.

I am so glad to know that you will be up North when I get there - :) Have a fabulous weekend and remember to breathe!

Cortney said...

I read your post, and then I read this: http://blog.cjanerun.com/2009/10/heavy-meal.html Oh, please please read it! You will find such solace.

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