half eaten

Often, too often, I find a half-eaten apple uniquely and artistically placed by my son around the house.  On the counter, on the table, by the bed stand, in the car, and here...today...on his toy shelf in his room.  I remembered when he grabbed it to begin with this afternoon.  He exclaimed, "Can I have it?  It is so so shiny!"  Never to complain when my children want fruit, I washed it off and handed it to him and he was oh-so-excited as he took his first crispy bite.

And then I found it later. Half-eaten.  Half-browning.  Half-discarded.

But didn't it use to be so shiny and delicious?  What changed?  Did he get full?  Was he distracted?  Did he simply change his mind?

I've often wondered if I do the same thing with choices in my life.  How noncommittal I sometimes am.  How often I jump in with an excited endeavor only to stop half-way.

I refuse to make new years resolutions simply because I know that I will be disappointed with myself in the end.  A pessimistic view or realistic?  I'm not sure.  I honestly think that I am simply sometimes too distracted to always finish what I start.  Not that it wasn't a very reachable goal--but life has a tendency to get in the way.

I haven't physically felt like myself in a really long time.  So long--years-- that one would think I would be sick of not feeling like myself enough to do something about it.  In fact, I am tearing up a bit writing this. But I am always halted by life.  By hiccups in the road.  By giving up.  By being distracted.  By feeling like I am not worth the time and effort to finish. 

My weight-- has been a source of utter sorrow for me since my son was born.  I have always always struggled, but 1 1/2 years  after my daughter was born (with really hard work) I was back into my pre-pregnant body.  Not so much this time.  Granted, the amount of stress that I have been through these past few years has not allowed my body to truly be itself again.  But really, how many excuses can I give? 

This year I have lost some weight.  I'm smaller than I have been in 4 1/2 years.  But I still have so much more to go.  I had my end goal-- the end of this month in fact--and I am nowhere near that point.  What's worse is that I was going to celebrate with a family photo shoot by BlueLily.  We have never had one done since Kai was born and I crave their style (and the fact that they are coming to Seattle) so this was a VERY big deal to me.  And yet...  no goal reached, no photo shoot will be done, no power felt within. 

I am feeling like that apple.  A lot like that apple.

But then I remember that not all is lost.

I am writing this out loud because I want to remember this struggle knowing that the end result will be that much better for it. 

I will reach my goal THIS year.  And I will be proud of myself.  And I will finish what I started.

Soon.  I will be my best self.

I like oranges better, anyway.