Monday, July 19, 2010

half eaten


Often, too often, I find a half-eaten apple uniquely and artistically placed by my son around the house.  On the counter, on the table, by the bed stand, in the car, and here...today...on his toy shelf in his room.  I remembered when he grabbed it to begin with this afternoon.  He exclaimed, "Can I have it?  It is so so shiny!"  Never to complain when my children want fruit, I washed it off and handed it to him and he was oh-so-excited as he took his first crispy bite.

And then I found it later. Half-eaten.  Half-browning.  Half-discarded.

But didn't it use to be so shiny and delicious?  What changed?  Did he get full?  Was he distracted?  Did he simply change his mind?

I've often wondered if I do the same thing with choices in my life.  How noncommittal I sometimes am.  How often I jump in with an excited endeavor only to stop half-way.

I refuse to make new years resolutions simply because I know that I will be disappointed with myself in the end.  A pessimistic view or realistic?  I'm not sure.  I honestly think that I am simply sometimes too distracted to always finish what I start.  Not that it wasn't a very reachable goal--but life has a tendency to get in the way.

I haven't physically felt like myself in a really long time.  So long--years-- that one would think I would be sick of not feeling like myself enough to do something about it.  In fact, I am tearing up a bit writing this. But I am always halted by life.  By hiccups in the road.  By giving up.  By being distracted.  By feeling like I am not worth the time and effort to finish. 

My weight-- has been a source of utter sorrow for me since my son was born.  I have always always struggled, but 1 1/2 years  after my daughter was born (with really hard work) I was back into my pre-pregnant body.  Not so much this time.  Granted, the amount of stress that I have been through these past few years has not allowed my body to truly be itself again.  But really, how many excuses can I give? 

This year I have lost some weight.  I'm smaller than I have been in 4 1/2 years.  But I still have so much more to go.  I had my end goal-- the end of this month in fact--and I am nowhere near that point.  What's worse is that I was going to celebrate with a family photo shoot by BlueLily.  We have never had one done since Kai was born and I crave their style (and the fact that they are coming to Seattle) so this was a VERY big deal to me.  And yet...  no goal reached, no photo shoot will be done, no power felt within. 

I am feeling like that apple.  A lot like that apple.

But then I remember that not all is lost.

I am writing this out loud because I want to remember this struggle knowing that the end result will be that much better for it. 

I will reach my goal THIS year.  And I will be proud of myself.  And I will finish what I started.

Soon.  I will be my best self.

I like oranges better, anyway.

6 comments:

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

I remember after I had my very first baby, I was in "total body make-over" shock, and not the good kind either.
One afternoon, I was mourning my post-baby body when I turned to my husband and said with a conviction, "I WILL weight 130 again someday!"
He turned to me, gave me pitiful smile and said, "Honey.... you'll NEVER weight 130 again."
I was dumbfounded! How dare he!
So now, it is my life's mission to show him up after each baby.

You go girl! And don't let ANYONE tell you you can't do it! Because you can! I'm rooting for you!

wilkinson_fam said...

Oh, hon . . . after having babes #3 and #4 16 months apart, I am SO there for you! In fact, me and my man were just discussing this tonight.

I have been so discouraged lately. I have lost 35 pounds since January but still have another 30+ to go to be where I want to be. But - for the last month - I have just been plateauing. I'm sure all the events and activities of July have not helped, but another part of it is simply ME getting weary of all the required exercise, dieting and denying. I want a break. A real break.

But a break will not do. A break will not get me into the goal jeans that are so patiently hanging in my closet. I want to reach my goal this fall. I decided tonight during my walk to give myself 12 weeks. TWELVE WEEKS. I can do it! And so can you. We can be the women we WANT and NEED to be. Together.

Mommy #1 said...

You are so awesome, really really truly!!!! You know I'm already looking ahead three months to the post-baby . . . and thinking we need to get back to our blog and support group!!!! But really, Carrie, you are just awesome!!! YOU -- not your jean size. I read about what you are doing, all of it, and I am so envious! I wish I could live near you and Amanda to soak up some of your energy!!! Really. truly. truly. truly. And that's why I KNOW that you will do this!!! Cuz you are just an AMAZING woman!!!

Have you tried South Beach? I mean really -- that's what broke things for me when everything was not working, and then it was like I couldn't stop losing -- well, I probably could have, but it was finally easy to lose when I did what I was supposed to and stayed within point/carb goals . . . until this surprise baby came along. :-)

And have you tried Pilates? I just keep thinking about that BYU Conference video Amanda posted about on the "blog" way back when . . . and she said that nothing else worked for her BUT Pilates. So I'm thinking it's worth a try. Winsor Pilates has a new program out -- Slimming Pilates. I've done her stuff in the past, and she is REALLY good!

Also, I know people LOVE P-90X, but it's for a select group, right? Well, he has also done P-90, a precursor to P-90X, and it looks really do-able. People rave about Slim in 6, but I thought that was SOOOOO boring. And Jillian is okay . . . but, right?

Last of all, what about step aerobics? You can buy a step and get some videos -- my sister had Kathy Smith. It's nice when you are on a tight budget and/or can't get out of the house very easily. And it works really well.

Those three things are my current game plan -- Pilates, Step Aerobics, and WW jumpstarted with South Beach to help curb the cravings and get me in the right zone.

Just remember how amazing you are!!! You are SUCCESS on wheels! This is no different . . . and with Amanda's 12 week goal, well, you might still make that photo shoot after all . . . .! ;-D

Jackie said...

I say good for you for being smaller than you have in the past for years! Good job moving forward, but don't forget to celebrate your accomplishments along the way. It makes it easier to keep moving forward!

And get that photo-shoot! Then you can look back and see how far you came!

But what do I know.

Mo said...

Ooohhh I know how you feel. A good friend of mine can't gain weight and I can't lose it. Why can't we just somehow even each other out?

You'll get there! I'm rooting for you!

Evelyn @ Hanging by a Silver Lining said...

My heart just sings...or groans?...every time I read your blog. You put it out there so tenderly, so honestly, so painfully. I am grateful to read such genuine and heartfelt words. And I feel such a connection too...

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