Monday, August 2, 2010

10 years to 10 days {Day 7}

I was numb.  His words were different than what I expected to hear right before our night on the town (I believe that would be Hardee's.)

"Maybe we should take a break."

Wow.  Wasn't HE the one rushing things?  Wasn't HE the one who said he was committed and that I should see if I am, too?  Ya.  I'm pretty sure HE was the one to blame for our fast paced courting. 

"Is there someone else?"  I asked. (panic. panic. panic.)

"No...I don't want to date anyone else...this is just all moving too fast."

Ya think?

"That's fine." I said.  And then I walked away.  (I tend to do that a lot.  Blame it on my theatrical past.)  And to think.  I was actually getting pretty good at baton twirling again.

I was angry.  I didn't mind slowing things down.  I welcomed them, for sure.  But there was so much uncertainty and surprise involved.  Why did it come so out of the blue?  Why was he being...such a...GUY?

Enter days and nights of crying and lamenting and hating and hurting and oreos and chick flicks and no more chick flicks because they had happy endings and fake smiles around him to pretend I was fine and more hating and hurting and crying.

You know.  Just the usual break-up jazz.

About a week later we ended up on a day trip together but in separate vehicles. That was good because I really didn't want to see him.  I was completely confused and really, what was I supposed to say?  I can't force someone to be with me.  Good gosh.  I still hadn't really broken it off with my BYU guy.  Maybe that was a good thing.

It was night and the grounds were beautiful.  He approached me as I was walking by myself...trying to wrap my brain around my life right then.  He wanted to talk about us...about where this was going...about whether or not we were ready for real commitment because he just wasn't sure anymore.  Maybe we should just be friends?

Argh.

I wanted to beg.  I wanted to grovel.  I wanted him to choose ME.  But I am naturally prideful...and although I began a whiny desperation of please come back to me I knew that wasn't the route to go this time.

In a surge of confidence I raised my voice.  I was tired of games.  I played them myself, and it was about time to stop.  I knew what I wanted.  He had said before that he knew what he wanted. Now it was just a matter of time to figure out if those wants were mutual.

I stopped groveling.  I looked him straight in the eye and said, "Look, I love you.  I want to be with you.  As much as it scares me to feel this way it's a simple reality.  I can get any guy I want but I want you. (wow I can't believe I said that because I totally didn't think that about myself.)  Here's the deal:  You need to make a decision. But you need to remember one thing before you do....  you can't get anyone better than me."

***********************************************************************************************

There is something that Rowdy has always appreciated in a woman.

"Confidence is sexy,"  he says.




picture taken that night


to be continued...

5 comments:

Evelyn @ Hanging by a Silver Lining said...

I think I am going to be really sad when this story ends...At least the telling part.

Braden said...

I am really enjoying all these posts!!! What a great story.

Mommy #1 said...

Wow! GO YOU!!!

Pasion Family said...

Love it- I want some of that confidence!

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

Wow! You said that! You are now officially my hero! I was always too chicken to speak up for myself!
You go woman!

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