Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Sometimes I feel fake

there was a poem in my high school English class about a barbie doll that i ripped apart.  i ripped the language and symbolism and meaning.  i ripped it to shreds.  i laughed at it and scrutinized the entire concept of barbie and her plastic self image. how wrong it was for young girls to grow up with such unattainable physical goals.  the idea of perfection in a plastic doll. outrageous.

although the barbie image is hardly something i try to attain as a grown woman, i think the idea of perfection/or at least being in the process of attaining it, is something i desire.  crave, really.  and i wish i didn't.

there is a blog i have stalked for 3 years now.  i have yet to comment because then i would admit that i am a stalker.  ;)  my gosh. the woman seems perfect.  i know she is not.  i really do know that.  but her life past/present and her talents and her home and her decor and her take on what is really important and the way she expresses it through her photographs makes me jealous.  jealous is probably the wrong word.  envious doesn't work either.  can't seem to put my finger on how i really feel here.  but i guess the hardest thing is that i really think/believe that the life she puts on the screen IS real. 

what i am trying to say is that i often wonder if that is how i also appear.  because if you knew me you would know (and many of you do) that i am just about the farthest from perfect there is.  i try to be real.  i really do.  but sometimes i am afraid that what others see is not me.  they just see a small part of one who is good at some things and better at others. not perfect...but certainly one who has a good grasp on life.  which isn't the truth.

i almost hope they don't see the real thing.

because what is real is that i am scared.  i am scared that one day my husband won't be able to walk because of his MS. i am scared that my daughter will not want to open up to me because of how often she frustrates me.  i am scared that my son will not be able to talk well enough to be considered "normal" in kindergarten.  i am scared of soccer starting, because it will be a new aspect of my life that i don't want to commit to (aka soccer mom).  i am scared that my job is beginning to take it's toll on me...and it shows. i am scared that i will never be able to rid myself of my horrible temper. i am scared that i will never feel comfortable in my new ward at church.  i am scared that i will never be the kind of friend that i want to be. i am scared that i won't reach my full potential as a photographer.  i am scared that i will never be able to live in the moment. i am scared that i won't be able to have another baby because i have pushed it off for so long. i am scared that i will give up on important goals...goals that are emotionally vital for me to reach.  

i am scared that i won't be liked...

if i am too real.

15 comments:

floydfamily said...

How did you look in my mind and read it? Very powerful and I love your blog!!

Cherie said...

Blogs definately do not show the whole picture of someone's life.
That is for sure!
I think we are all scared. I am scared alot- different phases in life bring different challenges. Knowing we are all in the same boat really helps alot.
I admire you and anyone else who says that they are scared, that life is not perfect, that they want to improve.
You seem very real to me.

I like you :-)

Annette W. said...

Fears are real, but thankfully we can have faith in Someone more real than we could every be.

I think your regular readers know you are open and honest...and real. You share challenges and struggles. I relate well when you speak about your son's speech.

You're real...and I like you.

Tara said...

I love this post. For the reason I think we or at least I love you. You are real and I appreciate that. Its so much more appealing to me to read a blog that is really what you are feeling. You are so strong and brave to post what you do. I admire you for it. I couldn't if I try because I am to scared. You are brave and not by any means fake.

MommyJ said...

It's so hard to really paint a clear picture of our entire selves just through what we share on our blog. I absolutely want to be real, but not so real that I don't have any filters, any anything that is simply not for the blog, whether it's too personal, too sacred, whatever. At the same time, the last thing I ever want to do is give people the impression that everything is hunky dory all the time. I mean, my blog is all me. I don't pretend. I don't sugarcoat. But it's certainly not ALL of me. And there will always be things that just aren't included. Some might say that makes me less than authentic, but I don't think so.

As for your blog, I think you strike a marvelous balance between being real and honest, without wallowing. Even when you discuss stuff that is hard, there is always a silver lining of hope and faith, even if you yourself can't see it. You aren't a "feel sorry for me" blogger, and I think that's why people like you.

likeschocolate said...

You have hit it right on the nail. I think many of us feel the same way. While my concerns are different than yours I am just as equally scared. I dare you to leave a comment on the blog you admire. I bet you she feels the same way as you. What we put out in blog land is what we want people to see, but not the full picture. I had an old friend see my blog. We got back in contact with one another. When I told her I was visiting her city she got all funny. When pushed she finally came out with it that she was afraid to meet up because she didn't think her life was as fabulous as mine. Boy did I set her straight. We had a fabulous reunion. Thanks for sharing.

carlisle clan conversation... said...

Keep pressing forward, I think opening up with this post especially shares your authenticity. I love reading your blog and totally see your heart!

Jackie said...

All I can say is ditto!

Pasion Family said...

Wow- Everything I am thinking FEAR and of course lacking FAITH! Thanks for writing an eye-opener and being REAL! :)

jordan @ mean mommy academy said...

Well, dang it girlie! I thought you WERE perfect! ;)
Actually Perfection is a silly word...
Cuz you are perfect.
I wouldn't be following your blog if you weren't...
;)
Or send you a virtual hug...

Mommy #1 said...

I agree -- what sane mother isn't scared? What person can go through a life-altering "disease" and not be scared? We're all scared. And sometimes, it even comsumes us, makes us stop dead in our tracks, keeps us from moving forward and doing the things that will keep our fears from coming true for us. BUT, at the heart of every strong woman, there is the ability to get a grip once again, to not be consumed by fear or let the scary things hold her back, to get back in the saddle time and time again, refocus her direction and ACT on it. And, we all know you are a strong woman!!! You're surrounded by them, which makes you even stronger!!!

Kristie said...

I don't think you should regret this post. It is how everyone feels (minus the extreme difficulties you face personally). We all see everyone's best on display and go home or turn from the computer screen to see our life, in living and true color and sometimes it's really, really messy. Not poetic, crafty and cute, or beautifully captured in photography... In fact, sometimes my house smells really bad, and looks worse.. as you know... :) But I like me. And you should really like you, too. because, you're pretty stinking wonderful.

AllisonK said...

you don't know me, I can't remember how I was linked to your blog, but I wanted to tell you how much I liked your post. It was very heartfelt and something I can certainly relate to. Thank you.

gkgirl said...

Oh sweetie.

Do I
Ever
Get this....

I could have been reading my own words right here.

And I love you for saying them out loud.
Xo

Evelyn @ Hanging by a Silver Lining said...

Funny thing is...I consider you to be a friend, but I don't really want to meet you in real life. You intimidate me. You are too beautiful, too creative, too real, too perceptive, too talented, too good. You kind of scare me. So I love to watch and admire and comment from a safe distance, my computer screen. If that is all it is I am not threatened by you, but real life...That would be different. Does that sound a little crazy? or maybe just really insecure...which is something I do not see you as, no matter how real you are.

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