Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Pulled


Oh I feel so pulled.  Like a string stretched between two hands that are both gripping to win.  Only, is the string ever the winner?  As far as I recall it is usually cast off to the side at the end.

But. I don't feel as though I will be cast aside.  Instead I feel the need to be released from the pull.  From the tightness.  From the fear of breaking.

Welcome holidays.

There is SO much I want to do.  To make.  To create.  But between my job and photo shoots and editing and being a wife and mother I don't see how I can even hope to do what I dream.  I haven't even made dinner this week.

I told Rowdy that we both need more hours in the day. Really.  Please give me some.

And then there is the pull that I put on myself.  Why in the WORLD do I throw parties?  Oh I hope it is to bring joy to others and that they feel surrounded by my love and creativity.  I hope.  I hope.  Because right now, all I can see is my craziness.  And the tightness that is my own doing.

And so.

I decided something yesterday.  I decided to give my child a birthday party somewhere else.  GASP.  A place that does everything for me.  And I cannot BELIEVE that I am doing that instead of creating what has been in my head for the past three months.  But there is something beautiful about the process at the same time.  She will still have joy on her special day (in fact, probably more so), and if it means easing an unneccessary burden... isn't it worth it?

I want to make this season matter.  And right now I am tight and breakable and I could use a good cup of hot chocolate and new fuzzy socks.  And someone to tell me that amidst all my crazy desires, there IS a way to make this season bright. 

I am sure there is a way to loosen the grip.  Perhaps the key is to ask myself... to let go. 



9 comments:

Lesa said...

You just described how I feel when I think about the holidays + stress + upcoming birthdays. I just didn't know how to put it into words like you did.

likeschocolate said...

You totally described my life and I don't work outside the home nor do photography. I am sure you are to the x power pulled. My tips for making the holidays a sucess is to get all the shopping done before November. At least that way I am not wasting time in the lines or with grumpy people! I agree with having a birthday party somewhere else. This way you don't have to clean your house before and after the party.

Cherie said...

I feel for you. Sometimes the holidays can be super stressful. So much is always going on.
I remember years ago finally "letting go" and let me tell you it was a huge relief. I am like you - I like to throw parties, I am super involved, I always threw THE best birthday parties, yada, yada, yada but the time comes when it is OK to let go. Do the things that are most important and do them well and sometimes it is just A-OK to have the birthday party at Chuck.E. Cheese (or wherever).
Then you can enjoy it too!!
You are doing good :-D

Lisalulu said...

thank you for helping make up my mind, my DIL asked if she could bring HER WHOLE family over for thanksgiving (18). I SHOULD say yes and be nice. But I after reading your blog and the comments... I'm going to say no.

staceyj76 said...

I think letting go is a sign of growing up... Sometimes we have to prioritize what's the most important because time is so limited. I hope all goes well. :)

Amy said...

If I was your neighbor, I'd leave you a brand new pair of fuzzy socks and a packet of cocoa on your front door!

I hope you can "ease the pull" and feel better! Having someone else take care of the kiddo's party is a good idea.

Wendy said...

You do what you need to do! BTW - How did your pie party go?

wilkinson_fam said...

Oh honey. I understand Pulled. Really. I do. Just remember Good, Better, Best. I have to ask myself what is most important at each moment. Sometimes it is what I would prefer (what is most fun) and sometimes it is what is most needful. And - sometimes - the answer is the same.

Good luck in finding the answer.

Victoria said...

Birthdays around the holidays are soooo hard- I totally understand your decision- hope you can relax and enjoy it! I keep begging to hold a 1/2 birthday for the twins in the summer since December is such a hard month to party in.

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