The other day I caught Rowdy checking out my blog. Like a teenager making-out/caught in headlights moment, I became really self-conscious.
What post is he reading?
Is it that one about him?
Is he irritated that I mentioned him in that way?
What's he thinking?
Does he think I am a good writer?
Good picture taker?
I asked him with words jumbled..."hey...what are you doing?"
And then do you know what he said?
He said, "Why is it that you say such nice things about me on your blog but I don't ever hear those things? Are you just trying to look good?"
OUCH. But oh my gosh he was right. Not the part about trying to look good...but the part about not always remembering to say nice things in person...to his face...loud and clear so he can hear them.
I had an a-ha moment and verbally reflected that I am completely honest on my blog. In fact, my written feelings are actually more correct than what is perhaps said (or not said) day to day. I write my pure and honest thoughts and emotions as they come without hesitation. No sugar coating. No scrap-booked highlights. The real deal. All of it.
So the fact that he doesn't hear this from me...the honest truth about what a great guy I think he is...and how brave...and how determined...and how stink'n sexy he is...tugs at my heart. And I wish I had the ability to be more verbally loving without restraint. And tell him the truth more often. And to help him see my devotion. And to be less angry and irritable so I don't cancel out all the good stuff that I do say.
So, I'm going to try. I really am. But just in case it takes a bit of time to unfold (old habits die hard, you know)...here are my honest to goodness thoughts of why I love you, and like you, and am just all around glad that we're together:
1. Do you remember when I picked up your shirt to see if it was dirty only to smell your cologne, and how I came to you and shoved it in your nose and said, "THIS reminds me of college!" Well, that is my very favorite scent in the whole wide world (you know that.) And it made my heart flutter in remembrance. I remembered running down those stairs to meet you and how I KNEW that you had been there in that hallway. And I went to find you--knowing you were so close. Simply by that smell.
2. Do you remember when Kai came begging to turn on cartoons at 5:30AM and I then begged you to please go take care of him and you did? Gosh I was so grateful for that. To have a morning when I could get up when I wanted to get up. Thank you so much for that.
3. Do you remember when I complained about Spike and how he was shedding and ruining my life and you bathed him for a freak'n hour and then asked me to smell him because he was so clean and I refused to even get near him? Well, just know that I smelled him later, and that he was super clean, and thank you for doing that.
4. Do you know that you are the best leftover cook on the planet? I am in awe of how you can take nothing piled up in our fridge and make it into something really good. And that you make Ramen into a masterpiece when our daughter expresses her hunger before bedtime. Complete with shrimp and sesame seeds and every Asian ingredient in our pantry.
5. Do you know that I think about you every time I see beef jerky, or Jeeps, or men's Reef sandals, or hemp necklaces, or cargo shorts, or your crisp blue Sunday shirt, or belts on the floor, or super hard ice cream sandwiches, or bundles of electronic cords, or way too hot soup, or windows open, or cast iron pans, or typed (not hand written) lists, or IKEA (because you hate it there) or anything sports related, or big TV's, or Hawaii, or sushi, or anything Southern, or barbeque, or Haribo gummy bears, or punk rock at full blast, or so many other random things.
And I love that thought of you. Just wanted you to know.