(that camera date is wrong-should be 12-25-2005)
Kai was born on December 16th but was due on the 25th. Both myself and my doctor decided that being pregnant on Christmas Day was not an option...so he offered to induce me if I wanted. However, I would only go natural and I had hoped that my body would want to be done baking a baby earlier than later. Thankfully, naturally, he came early and although we had some rough NICU days for no explained reason after--not because he was early, Christmas at our house was SO joyful. I remember the peace....SUCH peace...a newborn in the house and a 4 year old opening gifts like it was the best day on earth was such a happy experience. And I think it was because of that new baby sweetness. I will always remember that Christmas the most I think, because of that peace we felt as his sweet spirit in his tiny earthly body had just arrived.
As many posts on my blog this year have shown, a baby has been on my mind. In fact, I had a dream last night that left me wanting. I flip back and forth from wondering if my body will allow a pregnancy to happen, if I will be as sick and if it will be as hard as the last two, if I can remember how to function without sleep, if I could do a natural childbirth again, if there would be too big a gap in age so I should forget about it, if I could function in a pregnancy while doing my job, if my husband could handle my hormones, if I could be a good mother to another spirit who came into my home, if it is time if it is time if it is time, etc. So many questions and not enough answers.
Then I read a post this week on A Blog About Love where she asked the question, "why have kids?" Her thoughts were so profound because as she explained all the selfish reasons most people do it, and how she instead wants to have UN-selfish ones, I thought...WOW! I need to start realigning my focus here.
Instead of craving that peace in my home at Christmas-time that a newborn baby brings, why don't I concentrate on MAKING my home that way to begin with? Why don't I concentrate on being the kind of Mother worthy of having children in the first place? Why don't I concentrate on THEM rather than ME and all my faults and worries and the what if's and timing and future obstacles?
Makes so much more sense, doesn't it? I don't think I have had my thoughts where they should be and I am glad to have been pushed towards remembering that. So! Say goodbye to the "what if's!" A new Mama is in town.