Friday, December 2, 2011

wanting, peace, and why don't I?

 (that camera date is wrong-should be 12-25-2005) 

Kai was born on December 16th but was due on the 25th.  Both myself and my doctor decided that being pregnant on Christmas Day was not an option...so he offered to induce me if I wanted.  However, I would only go natural and I had hoped that my body would want to be done baking a baby earlier than later. Thankfully, naturally, he came early and although we had some rough NICU days for no explained reason after--not because he was early, Christmas at our house was SO joyful.  I remember the peace....SUCH peace...a newborn in the house and a 4 year old opening gifts like it was the best day on earth was such a happy experience.  And I think it was because of that new baby sweetness.  I will always remember that Christmas the most I think, because of that peace we felt as his sweet spirit in his tiny earthly body had just arrived. 

As many posts on my blog this year have shown, a baby has been on my mind.  In fact, I had a dream last night that left me wanting.  I flip back and forth from wondering if my body will allow a pregnancy to happen, if I will be as sick and if it will be as hard as the last two, if I can remember how to function without sleep, if I could do a natural childbirth again, if there would be too big a gap in age so I should forget about it, if I could function in a pregnancy while doing my job, if my husband could handle my hormones, if I could be a good mother to another spirit who came into my home, if it is time if it is time if it is time, etc.   So many questions and not enough answers.

Then I read a post this week on A Blog About Love where she asked the question, "why have kids?"  Her thoughts were so profound because as she explained all the selfish reasons most people do it, and how she instead wants to have UN-selfish ones, I thought...WOW!  I need to start realigning my focus here.

Instead of craving that peace in my home at Christmas-time that a newborn baby brings, why don't I concentrate on MAKING my home that way to begin with?  Why don't I concentrate on being the kind of Mother worthy of having children in the first place?  Why don't I concentrate on THEM rather than ME and all my faults and worries and the what if's and timing and future obstacles? 

Makes so much more sense, doesn't it? I don't think I have had my thoughts where they should be and I am glad to have been pushed towards remembering that. So! Say goodbye to the "what if's!"  A new Mama is in town.


6 comments:

Carin said...

WOW! That's all I can say right now! Love this post- fantastic thoughts!

Jenn said...

You can handle anything when it comes to children, you already have two fully limbed children! As far as I can tell- that means you are doing something right.

I think that post about realigning why we want kids is great. I have to admit though- I really like the selfish aspects as well. Especially the snuggles I get. I am selfish like that.

You'll get your baby soon and I bet your kids will be WONDERFUL helpers...

Jocelyn Christensen said...

Great post...I needed to read this!

Amy said...

So sweet!!
Best of luck with the baby-making ;)

You're awesome. I love ya.

Bridget said...

Welcome Mama. Glad to have you :o).

likeschocolate said...

Not that this has anything to do with babies, but the other day I was having a conversation with a single friend. She is married and divorced. She has been dating a guy, but is not in love with him. I told her she should break up with him. She is afraid of being alone. I told her it wasn't a good enough reason. That she needs to shoot for the stars and expect the very best. She told me that she didn't think it was even possible given that she has seen so many terriable relationships around her, so why not just date without love. Anyway, then the idea popped into my mind that this was a trick of Satan. That if he could convince us that we didn't deserve the very best and that it was not possible to have what we want then well he has us. There will never be an ideal situation to have a baby. Never enough money, always a ton of work to do, and the list goes on. The thing is when a baby is born a miracle occurs. Somehow everything just works out! Satan has us convinced that we need to be perfect moms. Nope there is no such thing. We just do our best. The love in your family will expand and your house with be filled with joy. I don't know if you watch the Christmas devotion last night, but they encouraged us to go on Mormon.org and watch some of the stories. Anyway, I watched one of a guy who was a painter. He said life is messy and I love it. I agree. Life is messy, but with the help of a loving Heavenly Father we can get through anything.

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