I have hesitated writing this post and frankly, it brings me a lot of anxiety--but sometimes I think truth overrides the pain. Sometimes you need to let go of what was and concentrate on what IS and what WILL BE. And sometimes that comes with a price.
I want to write about FAMILY.
It is difficult when problems arise amongst family members and it is even more difficult when they are not resolved. And when there is a possibility of them never being resolved...whether out of self-preservation or forgiveness not being given...it hurts.
The thing is--we are always taught that family is the most important thing and that we should always remain loyal to that. Frankly, it makes me sad when I see and know of families that well...seem to have their stuff together. Where two parents have lovingly raised their children and although there are always growing pains...there seems to be a sense of functioning that I have never experienced. This is such a sensitive subject for me because I don't desire to show the negativity of where I have come from or what I have known. I guess I just desire to be real here. The realness is that I am not from a family that functions well and I don't believe it ever will...and I have yet to personally experience one in my life that does.
I am not naive to think that I am so different than everyone and that the rest of the world lives with white picket fences because everyone has issues, some far far worse than mine. But what I do know is that my life has not been rose-colored whether by the actions of my family members or my own. And it has in fact consisted of relationships that have been extremely difficult. And that painful decisions have had to be made because of it.
And so I ask--what IS a family? To me a family is full of people who love you. People who forgive easily. People who do not judge or demean or manipulate. Whether that consists of one person or many--that love is the same between each other. Where there is no abandonment and speaking with your loved ones brings peace and not turmoil. Where there is no devils advocate (who wants to be that anyway?) and instead a voice of guidance. Family is a place you want to be. It is the knowledge of unconditional love surrounding you.
With recent happenings and past experiences I have had to assess my life and wonder how to create that--how to control or play the part in a way that brings about such a family (which..uhmm...is quite difficult with my temper). And shockingly...the answer I have received is to do nothing. The only people that matter are my husband and my children. And as much as it aches to separate myself from the possibility of having an extended family that I dream about... I know that my only concentration should be on me and my own and with those who seek the same things. And that maybe the only thing I can do is give the gift of what family really means to my children. And the way to do that is to focus on and shower THEM with unconditional love so they know the security of it.
Sometimes I have been wounded, sometimes I have been the one whose actions were uncalled for, and still I have to ask myself how I should proceed. I have decided to stand with my own because I think that space and time can be good. For me, the only thing that resonates deeper than the pain of for now letting family members go...is peace.