I threw a baby shower the other day...maybe you missed it? Go HERE if you did :) Well, I'm not going to write about my mad creative skills for this post (heehee), but instead I feel the need to write about my surprising freak-me-out baby yearning emotions during/after it.
I was busy. I spent my morning driving in some major traffic to get ice cream, praying that the rain would stop, fringing up some balloons, loading and unloading my car in the pouring rain, flat ironing my hair only to have it friz up again after being wet, arranging ice cream toppings, warming up hot fudge and salted caramel sauce, hosting/directing/hello-ing guests, and absolutely LOVING making my friend the center of attention.
And then out of the blue afterwards I wanting to cry. When I got home I said to myself "WHAT WAS THAT?" I sat back...and thought...and played out why I was feeling so unbelievably awkward and just...weird. Then it hit me! There were babies. Lots of babies. And pregnant bellies (go figure at a baby shower, right?). And conversations going on around me that I no longer had any idea about. I didn't hold a single baby, either. I told myself that I was busy and couldn't take a moment to fill my aching arms for even a second...even though in the back of my mind it was on my to do list before anyone went home.
It wasn't as though I was jealous for what everyone else had. I was SO happy and excited for those around me. I just realized...I don't fit. Like, my world is not that world. People that I have known since Kai was born were still plugging along in that stage and I wasn't there with them.
I recognize that that is perfectly okay. For heaven's sake, no one is EVER in sync with every stage as those around them. But there I was with my 10 year old daughter chatting about her boy crushes--and there they were with pregnant bellies and newborns and toddlers being watched by Daddy at home.
They had babies and I didn't. And it was really really evident to me in that moment.
I told Rowdy about my feelings. How they came completely out of the blue. He said, "Really? You didn't think that throwing a baby shower when you want a baby would make you feel sad?" I honestly...didn't. In fact, throwing a baby shower for a friend didn't make me sad at all. It was the fact that I wasn't on the same page. I was ahead a few chapters, but felt like I was reading too fast and wanted to go back to get more of the details. It was a really really unsatisfying feeling and shook me up quite a bit.
However, now that I understand my emotions better, I finally feel like I can gain some semblance of control over them. I'm prepared to not let my longing desire get the better of me anytime soon. But just in case, I think I might lay off the baby showers for awhile... :)