I'm dreading taking down my Christmas tree. I was supposed to over the weekend because it was the perfect time to do it with my ever-looming work schedule, but when it came down to it, the idea made me more sad than the convenience was worth.
You see, I don't want Christmas to be over. There were treats I did not bake. There were gifts I did not put enough thought into. There were quiet moments...deep simplistic grateful moments that I did not reflect on. Basically, I did not put enough of myself into this privilege of a season.
And it always goes back to me saying...I didn't have the time.
Really, I didn't. We went on vacation early in December so our Christmas celebrating did not truly begin until we returned and even then...I was playing catch up. It was rushed. It was frustrating in moments that were meant to be bliss. It was stressful and I have to wonder if it will always be like this? Am I lacking a celebratory attitude because of where I live, my work schedule, or is it simply my priorities in life? Or even worse, am I just being too hard on myself?
Perhaps I will never be the woman who can make Christmas cookies without feeling a little irritated that my kids are eating too many, which means I'll have to make more for the neighbors.
Perhaps I will never be the woman who can make every gift homemade.
Perhaps I will never be the woman who decorates her holiday home as lovely as those seen in the magazines.
Perhaps I will never be the woman who plans ahead and has her Christmas shopping done before Thanksgiving.
Perhaps I will never be the woman whose heart will fully and completely at all times be on the true reason for the season.
But I hope that maybe one day my Christmas wish of being able to accomplish it all can come true. Either that, or I wish that I can be at peace with the kind of woman that I will never be.
And somehow, amazingly enough, there is JOY to be found either way.
(an ornament I made in 4th grade)