Friday, September 26, 2008

Lonely

adjective
1. lacking companions or companionship; "he was alone when we met him"; "she is alone much of the time"; "the lone skier on the mountain"; "a lonely fisherman stood on a tuft of gravel"; "a lonely soul"; "a solitary traveler" [syn: alone]
2. marked by dejection from being alone; "felt sad and lonely"; "the loneliest night of the week"; "lonesome when her husband is away"; "spent a lonesome hour in the bar"
3. characterized by or preferring solitude; "a lone wolf"; "a lonely existence"; "a man of a solitary disposition"; "a solitary walk" [syn: lone]

What about "lonesome for herself?" Today has been one of the hardest days yet. I have yelled at my kids, refused to take off my Halloween pajamas (which is usually pure joy on most days), eaten ice cream, and made dinner that I decided to throw away because it was not good enough. What does that say about me? Today (yes--today because it is 1am on Friday) marks 4 weeks of Aaron being gone. Military wives, I don't know how you do it.

As I pondered today how lonely I feel without him, I realized that loneliness is not the word because frankly, I'm not really lonely per say. I have my kids, and an ever enlarging spreadsheet of business work and tasks to do. I don't go to bed feeling scared because my bed is empty and I don't wake up feeling as though someone is missing. My life goes on endlessly from morning until night with tasks to complete and projects to finish. Not to mention just the basics of caring for and feeding one's children (oh, and sometimes myself). I mean really, if there is a capable woman out there who can do things on her own I am pretty much it.

However, I am surprised at this "lack of loneliness" I thought I would feel. I especially expected the feeling at night because darkness usually represents a quiet loneliness in itself. And yet I havn't. But before you go on thinking what an awful wife I am, read on....

Instead, what I do feel is empty. I have realized that I am missing part of myself. And that self is only allowed to come around when I have him here to support me. I feel as though I can't be artistic without him around to tell me I am when I question a photo shoot I am editing. I feel as though I can't be a good mother without him around to say it's okay that I yelled tonight, but please try to calm down next time. I feel as though my cooking sucks without him around to remind me that I do make some things really good..and then list those things (usually only 3 things can be recalled at a time, of course). I feel as though I am the only one blessed enough to snuggle with my children at bedtime and hear their laughter, and somehow that is such a disservice to all of mankind. I feel as though time is flying by motionless and quiet, because I have lost my sense to feel it blow and whip against me like the wind. Without him here by my side to experience every move in our seemingly uneventful life, it is like a void within me. An emptiness that I cannot fill on my own. It seems that our life is filled with more than just raising our children. I now believe our life also consists of raising each other, and therefore ourselves.

EMPTY
adjective
1.containing nothing; having none of the usual or appropriate contents
2.vacant; unoccupied
3.without force, effect, or significance; hollow; meaningless
4.not employed in useful activity or work; idle: empty summer days.

I am no longer waiting for him to come home so that I won't be lonely anymore. I am simply waiting for him to be near so that I can be filled.

3 comments:

staceyj76 said...

Aww that must be hard. :( I hope the rest of the time you're apart flies by.

Kristie and Ryan said...

amen to that. can you imagine how it must feel to actually lose a husband or wife? we are so lucky that when we're separated from our men, we have the reunion to anticipate and expect. And, we are usually not empty, because we are married! I couldn't be me without Ryan, so I completely get what you wrote.

AJ said...

What an amazing insight! It actually brought tears to my eyes. I, too, have felt that emptiness when Geoff is gone. It's great to be a stong, capable woman, but so much better to be that strong, capable woman who is "complete."

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