Tuesday, September 29, 2009

the hardest year

I told Aaron that for me this has been the hardest year of my life.

"Don't you agree?" I said.

"No," he said.

"But it has been. I just know it. I have felt more sadness this year than any other. I have felt alone this year more than any other. I have felt unsuccessful and boring and uninspired and worried and no one has known. I have kept it a secret from the world. No growth. I am numb."

Aaron chirped in before I could say much more, "But don't you remember that one year? The one where Brianna was born and hospitalized and then I was hospitalized for my kidney disease? Or what about that year that you were put on bed rest and then we moved and I found out I had Multiple Sclerosis? That was a really hard year."

"Oh I know. But those years I saw growth because I got through it all. I felt the love of my Father in Heaven and he pushed me through each obstacle. Each year that I managed the apartment complex while trying to balance my children and your illness and friendships etc, I at least saw growth. Not this year. I am so disappointed."

He sighed, "Well, maybe you just haven't seen it yet. Maybe you needed a rest."


Today I am fasting. I am giving up food and water to help my body and spirit align. I am praying that my heart will heal from this "lack of growth" and that I will be in tune to what my Heavenly Father is trying to tell me. That he will provide a way for me and my family to grow again.

I want to be pushed. I want to finish the race this year knowing that I tried my hardest and got through it. I want to be in tune to others needs before my own. To be creative in a way that makes me happy. To teach my children that it is okay to fall down as long as you get back up. To recognize the fresh ground before the snow. I want to grow.


Pittman Four said...

I've been thinking about what you said and compared it to what Aaron said. Ya'll have had so many things on your plate. Maybe this year Heavenly Father wanted you to rest. When you have growth it almost always follows something very difficult. Take the time to appreciate the down time. You may not see the growth, but you'll be ready for the next challenge... And there are ALWAYS challenges that come! You can see the growth in your children instead!!! They are always Growing. They just don't stop! :)

Cortney said...

I agree...but I also understand the need for that feeling of personal improvement and growth. Others may see it, but if you don't feel it, it doesn't really matter. Just wait a while, ponder on it a bit, write it out, and you might change your mind--you might find something in yourself that you didn't see before.

Stephie said...

Sometimes it's when we don't think we are growing that we are growing the most. I've had times in my life where I was so bogged down with "trials" that I felt like every day was treading water and I was going absolutely no where. But looking back--those were times of great learning, strengthening, and growing up. I'm guessing the same thing is happening to you. Someday when life affords you a peaceful reprieve, you'll look back and see how far you've come, this year and every year!

kladle said...

I absolutely 100% agree with Stephie. In 6 months, maybe a year or more, if nothing else you'll be able to look back and see where growth has occurred. If nothing else, you are like the Strong Women you blog about. You have endured and you have made it through this year in Tally. If nothing else, that is something to think about. You've made it through a tough time and who knows it may still be tough when you get back to Seattle, but if it's where your heart is, then the light will come. It's those times when you think you can't possibly take one more thing, and yet some how you find the strength and you make it through.That is growth a step forward.

I for one have been so glad you have been here. You are an amazing woman who has so much to offer! Hang in there! I love ya!

Bethanne said...

I think you can't appreciate the growth without the rest. You can't appreciate the good without the bad. The blessings without the challenges...I think the Lord provides the variety of experiences in our lives in hopes that we can recognize His hand...at least that is my humble opinion...

Bethanne said...

In my life I've found that I can't appreciate the good without experiencing the bad; the blessings without the challenges; the growth without some rest. I think it is the Lords way of helping us recognize His hand in our lives...

Mommy #1 said...

I know exactly what you mean. I'm kind of feeling the same way. Unfulfilled, unable to succeed and grow and create, overwhelmed by the mundane things in my life, etc. Lately my thoughts have turned to the temple as my answer . . . and to "cleaning up" my home, my life, etc. so that I CAN be used elsewhere. One thing I hold onto and want to remind you of is that HEAVENLY FATHER is aware of your desires and WILL answer them. I am sure you will find your answer through fasting and Conference. That's a fantastic combination!

Jen said...

Sometimes the biggest trials of all come in packages we don't even recognize as trials. Often we miss them completely, see them as something else, assume we've done something wrong. I'm reminded of the men in the Bible who wrestled with themselves and cried out in anguish because the heavens were silent. Sometimes silence is the biggest test of all - sometimes when we KNOW we're being tested it's easier to persevere. It's not so easy to recognize the challenge before you when the obvious isn't staring you in the face, when evidence of growth isn't immediate.

I will be praying for you - I hope you find the peace you're looking for.

gkgirl said...

this is hard...
but you sound like you are
so in tune to what you want
and need...that is a gift
all on it's own.

and inspiring.


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