Monday, February 13, 2012

Maybe it is time to let go

I have been wondering about the purpose of my blog for awhile now.  I know I have brought this up before, but as life and seasons change I think "I" change--and so my blog does with it. 

But lately I wonder what I have to say that is worth coming here for or if it is worthy of being read.  I have suddenly felt self-conscious like never before.  I know that my daughter is growing and catches glimpses of what I write and sometimes that makes me nervous.  And Rowdy mentioned in passing that he wishes I wouldn't write certain things about him and I DO need to be more careful... But I am also more than an occasional party planner (albeit they are awesome, no?), I am more than a few pictures, and I am certainly more than a small glimpse of hilarity or sorrow in my day.  I want to show the fullness of my life and the hardships and the good moments...but I wonder at what cost.

Recently I made a passing comment to a friend who was surprised that I went so deep and personal in a recent post.  I think RAW was the word she used (not a negative statement).  And I said most genuinely that sometimes I feel like I am writing for more than myself.  That I am also writing for someone else who needed to read it.  Maybe I am naive to think that, but part of me has always felt a connection to people out there--maybe because I often feel that sometimes another's post was inspired to be written just for me--and that perhaps I am meant for something as great. And that I make a difference.

But even so, I think I might need to be done with this little 'ol blog of mine.  Perhaps I can't be who I really am on here without being TOO real.  And maybe that is at the sacrifice of too much.  I don't know how to be anything else than ALL of me. And maybe that is not acceptable? If I simply write about something light and simple every day then I would almost not be true to myself.  Perhaps though, that is what readers want?  And if so...what is my purpose in being HERE again?  BUT in all honesty...the idea of not blogging makes me want to cry.

I am afraid that I NEED more than I can offer.  I am afraid that if I stop blogging a part of me will be crushed.  I am afraid that I am being absolutely ridiculous saying such a thing--what source of an online outlet should ever have such power over me? And I am afraid that I will be saddened to face the fact that I do not make a difference.  And that my writing to the world might be selfish thing that I am doing.  That I am simply begging for acceptance or praise or above all else acknowledgement. And that I SHOULD fear that--because that is not good.

And so, maybe it is time for me to finish what I started. I had no idea a family blog update would evolve into showing so much of my soul, but I am grateful that it has. What this blog has meant to me cannot even be written--the friendships formed and the way I have been able to express myself in all aspects of my life have been worthwhile and I am forever grateful.  But maybe I should be done and am just being selfish by staying. Maybe I am holding on to something that has reverently absorbed itself into my life and therefore I into it. And that in itself has a tendency to not be right with the world.

Maybe it is time.


Cherie said...

Carrie I felt like this not long ago. I blogged about it too.
For me, I know that because my family are not members of the church, and because my husband is the Bishop and ward members read my blog, etc...I was feeling like I couldn't be the real "ME" on my own blog. I felt like for some of my posts I had to be "on" - Ya know.

But, I thought alot about it and overall I do not write my blog for the entertainment of others I write it for me, and my children, and maybe more importantly my future posterity. I make my blog into a book each year using Blurb and posts that I didn't want to include online - maybe they were too raw or to personal - I still write those and include them in my book, I just never post them.

My family loves my blog books. I am hoping future generations will as well. The silly, the serious, the recipes, the weird stuff. I would have loved to have journals like this from my own grandmothers.

Best of all, I decided that a HUGE plus that has come out of blogging are all the friendships I have made. I would hate to lose those.

I hope you keep blogging. But if not, I totally get it. You have to do what is right for you~!

Christina said...

I think every blogger goes through this. I know after some of my most raw posts I feel the best about my writing- people can relate to those posts filled with emotion, and I agree that I write those posts knowing how others have helped me in that some way.

The thing you said that I have to disagree with is your thought that your words don't make a difference. I think even if they're important only to you, they have made a difference. And maybe someday they'll be important to your kids, and again they'll make a difference. And they're probably already important in providing perspective and strength to your readers (who sadly are often anonymous, as much as I wish that wasn't the case). I feel like those feelings that diminish who we are and what we're doing are never from our Father in Heaven. He wants us to be humble, but not to question our worth.

I hope that maybe a break and some perspective will bring you back to blogging, but I can relate on many levels and support you in whatever you decide. We all have to navigate our own way with this interesting online world and I've learned that what's right for some isn't necessarily right for another even though both may be covenant keeping, good, wonderful women.

Patty Ann said...

I totally understand this, as I have gone through it myself. I am very careful about what I write. The Raw things tend to be about me and not as much about my children or my husband. I do not want to hurt anyone with my writings. I do know that for me, blogging has been like therapy for my soul. It has helped me to define what I am, what I believe, and what I know. I think that it doesn't matter so much if no one else is changed by it, because I am changed. I know that I write for me and for my family. Hopefully one day my testimony will help them through their own struggles. I hope you keep writing. I know that I will. I also hope that you can figure out what will work for you. I know many bloggers who do not use their real names or their children't names. That seems to help them in this same delemma Perhaps you could change your blog address and do more incognito work? I do not write things about my husband without having him read it first. That way, he is usually happy with what I am doing. I have found that is a blessing for me. Remember, bloggy is personal. It is whatever we choose to make it. I love reading you, and hope to continue, but I totally understand if you need to take a break.

Bridget said...

Your maybes sound like you're not ready...

I think the other commenters have some great insights that are worth considering.

heather said...

The world needs you. And while I know exactly where you are coming from -I don't think giving it up is the answer. It's a fine line we walk, I say "we" because I walk it too & I know others do as well... But I truly feel it is worth it.

Because we're all in this life together and, as Marjorie Hinkley said, "We need each other, oh how we need each other."

My life being what it is: Moving all the time, my blog friends are just as every bit as real to me as the people I know in the flesh. And I can promise you there have been days when what you wrote was exactly what my spirit was needing.

Jenny P. said...

Good comments from others. Also remember that if someone assumes you are only party planning and fabulous pictures, the error is on their end, not yours. We are never asked to bare all of our lives on the internet. We choose to share the parts of ourselves that we feel will benefit someone - whether it be us or others or our future families that will enjoy reading our thoughts. Just because you may feel like there are things that you shouldn't share on the blog doesn't mean those things don't exist, or that you aren't being true to your blog if you choose not to share them.

I blog much less frequently than I did four years ago, mostly because in the early years of my blog, I blogged a good deal about my young children who did many blog worthy things. With three of my kids old enough to be sensitive to what I might share about them, I talk specifics much less frequently... it's simply how things have evolved. And that's okay.

If you let it go, don't feel bad about it. But if it simply evolves into something else, that's not anything to feel bad about either.

Jenn said...

I like the "RAW" posts the best. Too many people hide behind their blogs and want everything to appear "cookie- cutter". Life isn't like that.

Trust me, your raw blogs affect people.

Maybe you just need to brush off those thoughts. Blog less about your hubby if that's what he asks but stay the way you are.

We are evolving and changing every day and it would be silly to assume your blog wouldn't change with you. The one's reading now are the ones your blog is affecting most.

Jocelyn Christensen said...

I totally feel ya, girl. But, please, don't stop! :)

Chocolate on my Cranium said...

I went through this just a couple of weeks ago. It's a hard one. In some ways it would be freeing to just let it all go. But in other ways it is also freeing to be able to write and "tell it like it is."

Whatever you decide I know it's not a decision you'll take lightly...

...but you've had an influence on me! I love your realness.

Amy said...

If you feel it's time to be "done" then I'll support that. It's not like you have to make it permanent. Maybe someday you'll feel like throwing out another post and that's okay.

Just promise me this: If you do decide that the Rowdy Stroudy blog has run its course, then can we be pen pals? I want to stay in touch and falling out of blog land would make me sad. REAL pen pals, like pen, ink, and stamps. Unless we run out of stamps, in which case email would suffice. :)

Do what you feel is right and comfortable and what makes you and your family happy.

Sue said...

I blog about some pretty personal things at times, but that's because my blog is for me and for my posterity. And I don't mind people reading what I have to say because that is my journey. If it's too "raw" for them, they are welcome not to read it.

I think most people like it when bloggers tell their truth, whatever it is. Let's face it; people follow you because you add something to their lives that they like. But that's not what's important, in my mind. Blogging should be for you.

I do try to be careful about how much information I divulge about husband, kids, and friends...but I am still able to share a lot of my feelings about them while keeping specific details out of it. I am sure you can do that, too. In fact, you probably already do.

i, for one, love your blog...and it sounds like you do, too. If people you know in real life make comments about how "raw" it is some days, just smile and agree. Duh. Life IS raw some days, right?


ellen said...

Keep blogging. :)

Carrot Jello said...

Here's what I've learned...

If you want to keep writing, then keep writing.

If you want to quit, then quit.

Don't quit if you want to keep writing, but don't keep writing because other people tell you to.

Listen to yourself and you'll be happy with your choice.

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

Like many of the commenters, I too went through something like this a few weeks ago, struggling to figure out if my blog had any real value, what's the point of it, am I being too real, am I sharing too much, am I not sharing enough....

After a wrote a post about it I actually felt a little cleansed by it and realized that I should write for me, like I did when I first started and if people want to read, great! If not, so be it.

I feel much better and have slowly started sliding back into my usual bloggy style. I think for a while I wanted to be like others blogs that I admired. But I realized I wasn't being true to myself.

Also, a long time ago, Hubby asked me not to blog about "him". Meaning, his job or too much about him or our relationship. He just didn't like it. And still on occasion, he'll read something I wrote and he'll make a comment saying about it and I can tell he didn't particularly like what I had said. So I rarely blog about him.

But that's just us. Maybe you could talk it out with your family and decide that your boundaries are.

Sure, our blogs are about us, but they are also about other people, our families. And we should respect their boundary wishes.

But you have a great blog going and I know it touches lots of lives.

You'll work through this and be back on a bloggy roll. :D

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