Monday, February 13, 2012
I have been wondering about the purpose of my blog for awhile now. I know I have brought this up before, but as life and seasons change I think "I" change--and so my blog does with it.
But lately I wonder what I have to say that is worth coming here for or if it is worthy of being read. I have suddenly felt self-conscious like never before. I know that my daughter is growing and catches glimpses of what I write and sometimes that makes me nervous. And Rowdy mentioned in passing that he wishes I wouldn't write certain things about him and I DO need to be more careful... But I am also more than an occasional party planner (albeit they are awesome, no?), I am more than a few pictures, and I am certainly more than a small glimpse of hilarity or sorrow in my day. I want to show the fullness of my life and the hardships and the good moments...but I wonder at what cost.
Recently I made a passing comment to a friend who was surprised that I went so deep and personal in a recent post. I think RAW was the word she used (not a negative statement). And I said most genuinely that sometimes I feel like I am writing for more than myself. That I am also writing for someone else who needed to read it. Maybe I am naive to think that, but part of me has always felt a connection to people out there--maybe because I often feel that sometimes another's post was inspired to be written just for me--and that perhaps I am meant for something as great. And that I make a difference.
But even so, I think I might need to be done with this little 'ol blog of mine. Perhaps I can't be who I really am on here without being TOO real. And maybe that is at the sacrifice of too much. I don't know how to be anything else than ALL of me. And maybe that is not acceptable? If I simply write about something light and simple every day then I would almost not be true to myself. Perhaps though, that is what readers want? And if so...what is my purpose in being HERE again? BUT in all honesty...the idea of not blogging makes me want to cry.
I am afraid that I NEED more than I can offer. I am afraid that if I stop blogging a part of me will be crushed. I am afraid that I am being absolutely ridiculous saying such a thing--what source of an online outlet should ever have such power over me? And I am afraid that I will be saddened to face the fact that I do not make a difference. And that my writing to the world might be selfish thing that I am doing. That I am simply begging for acceptance or praise or above all else acknowledgement. And that I SHOULD fear that--because that is not good.
And so, maybe it is time for me to finish what I started. I had no idea a family blog update would evolve into showing so much of my soul, but I am grateful that it has. What this blog has meant to me cannot even be written--the friendships formed and the way I have been able to express myself in all aspects of my life have been worthwhile and I am forever grateful. But maybe I should be done and am just being selfish by staying. Maybe I am holding on to something that has reverently absorbed itself into my life and therefore I into it. And that in itself has a tendency to not be right with the world.
Maybe it is time.
Posted by Carrie at 12:44 PM