How I am feeling today:
Yesterday at church I sat back startled at what I had just said and the feelings that I was then experiencing. It was uncomfortable. "I" was uncomfortable. I didn't say anything controversial or out of line. It wasn't bad or thoughtless or cruel. It was just the way I shared my thoughts--somehow they left the air feeling stuffy and un-breathable. They were jumbled and did not express what I wanted to. I realized how tired I was and how I just wanted to go. I also realized how unlike myself that was. Because people..I'm a pretty cool gal if I do say so myself.
It has happened to me a lot recently since we have moved here. The feeling of discomfort after I open my mouth. Like I am spewing nonsense. As though my words are unnecessary. Or unwanted. Or carelessly tossed aside.
It's an uncomfortable feeling.
And so yesterday was the last straw and I mentally sat myself down after church to figure out what my dang problem was. Was I actually speaking irrelevant thoughts? Has my eloquence and humor been misplaced by an awkward lack of confidence? "Speak up!" I said to myself. "What is wrong with you?" I thought.
And then it hit me.
They don't know me.
If they knew me they would get my humor. If they knew me they would understand my hasty stream of verbal and somewhat nonverbal communication. If they knew me I would feel peace after my last word. Knowing that I was understood. That I was loved. That I was heard.
"That must be it!" I thought.
But then the mental light bulb's light began to fade as I remembered how often I go somewhere unknown and speak up and never feel the way I have felt these last few months. How usually what I say out loud feels comfortable. How the room of unknowing faces nod in unison to let me know that I am understood. And they don't know me...so what's the deal? Why the achy feeling now?
At this point I am unsure, but it has certainly given me food for thought. It has led me to inquire about my verbal eloquence that seems to be missing. My ability to speak with confidence in certain surroundings is absent and for now must be replaced by silence until I can find my voice again.
And it's a good voice, I promise.
But I think you already knew that.