I just photographed this baby...pretty cute feet, huh?
I read something today and it absolutely riveted me. The lovely blogger CJane whom everyone adores (or at least they should) wrote a post on infertility and having babies and choosing not to have more right as she is pregnant with her 3rd. Mainly--for me--it spoke about choice. And how sometimes choices are ours, and sometimes they are not due to this mortal life, and sometimes I choose to believe a loving God knows the bigger picture and it's up to us to listen.
I am at such a pivotal point. It's such a hard place to describe-the wanting, the fear, the lack of understanding, the questioning of age gaps and the "ya-that should be the right time after this and this happens." I feel unsettled and confused and most importantly I want to know..."Why hasn't it been right to have another baby for so long? Am I unworthy to be a Mother to more? Am I not listening? Am I supposed to be done and I am just avoiding that possibility?" My heart of hearts tells me I am not. But it feels foreign. The whole idea of being pregnant and waking up throughout the night feels so so so foreign. Like it is not mine to have.
I have deferred for the last 6 years that life circumstances have just made sense. Rowdy and his MS and the physical hardships that has brought. My having to return to work. His going to Grad School. My knowing how sick I get and that I probably won't be able to work (work well at least) if I am pregnant and then what if when the baby comes? My job doesn't get maternity leave. I don't know how I can do that. Makes sense. Makes perfect sense.
I remember sitting in my car soon after Aaron was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. I was pregnant with Kai and crying to my SIL in Florida on the phone and saying, "I must be done. After this baby is born it must mean that I am supposed to be done. There is no possible way that in good conscience I could have more knowing that my husband has this disease."
So why do I feel so sad?
My friend told me how hard it has been to know that she will not be having any more children--that the option is no longer there and how that just sucks sometimes. I have also seen and felt such sadness from miscarriages from myself and those around me--which are never ever fair. This whole baby thing is a roller coaster of emotions, for sure.
But, what if we are done?
I hope not.