Wednesday, July 27, 2011

When my heart and baby making body are not one

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I just photographed this baby...pretty cute feet, huh? 


I read something today and it absolutely riveted me. The lovely blogger CJane whom everyone adores (or at least they should) wrote a post on infertility and having babies and choosing not to have more right as she is pregnant with her 3rd.  Mainly--for me--it spoke about choice. And how sometimes choices are ours, and sometimes they are not due to this mortal life, and sometimes I choose to believe a loving God knows the bigger picture and it's up to us to listen.

I am at such a pivotal point.  It's such a hard place to describe-the wanting, the fear, the lack of understanding, the questioning of age gaps and the "ya-that should be the right time after this and this happens."  I feel unsettled and confused and most importantly I want to know..."Why hasn't it been right to have another baby for so long?  Am I unworthy to be a Mother to more?  Am I not listening?  Am I supposed to be done and I am just avoiding that possibility?"  My heart of hearts tells me I am not.  But it feels foreign.  The whole idea of being pregnant and waking up throughout the night feels so so so foreign. Like it is not mine to have.

I have deferred for the last 6 years that life circumstances have just made sense.  Rowdy and his MS and the physical hardships that has brought.  My having to return to work.  His going to Grad School.  My knowing how sick I get and that I probably won't be able to work (work well at least) if I am pregnant and then what if when the baby comes?  My job doesn't get maternity leave.  I don't know how I can do that.  Makes sense.  Makes perfect sense. 

I remember sitting in my car soon after Aaron was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.  I was pregnant with Kai and crying to my SIL in Florida on the phone and saying, "I must be done.  After this baby is born it must mean that I am supposed to be done. There is no possible way that in good conscience I could have more knowing that my husband has this disease." 

So why do I feel so sad?

My friend told me how hard it has been to know that she will not be having any more children--that the option is no longer there and how that just sucks sometimes.  I have also seen and felt such sadness from miscarriages from myself and those around me--which are never ever fair.  This whole baby thing is a roller coaster of emotions, for sure.

But, what if we are done?

............

I hope not.

9 comments:

Cherie said...

The whole baby maker is a very tough thing - to know when you are done or not...sigh...

The one thing I do know with absolute certainty is that if you try to make sense of it in an educated way it is impossible. Somehow, someway, things work out when you trust.

It's all about Faith (which is really hard).

hannah said...

After a long period, faced with the same issues of age gap, working full time, pregnancy sickness, etc, we followed our promptings and relied on faith and decided to move forward with adding a 3rd child. However, sadly a miscarriage followed and we found ourselves back at square one...now I am pregnant again and neurosis is setting in as I am faced with the possibility of enduring a second miscarriage. A rollercoaster indeed!!

Amy said...

We never can find the answers, can we? I thought by the time I was 30, I'd have three kids and a house.

I think you're pretty darn special. I think you're a fabulous mom to your kids and you'd be fantastic to any that came along.

The only thing I can give you based on my own experiences is to let things like this happen when they're supposed to. Put it in God's hands. When I get pregnant, it'll be because God wanted us to. Not because we were ready, or not ready, or out of our minds, or even a little bit later than everyone else.

The title of this post are exactly how I feel! You nailed it, girl. I hope it all works out for you guys. It will.

Amy said...

We never can find the answers, can we? I thought by the time I was 30, I'd have three kids and a house.

I think you're pretty darn special. I think you're a fabulous mom to your kids and you'd be fantastic to any that came along.

The only thing I can give you based on my own experiences is to let things like this happen when they're supposed to. Put it in God's hands. When I get pregnant, it'll be because God wanted us to. Not because we were ready, or not ready, or out of our minds, or even a little bit later than everyone else.

The title of this post are exactly how I feel! You nailed it, girl. I hope it all works out for you guys. It will.

Christina said...

Oh, this is a hard place. Thank you for sharing your feelings so openly. There is beauty to be found in that vulnerability. The waiting periods are hard. Getting to the other side of what you're waiting for, timing always makes perfect sense, but the in between is the hard place. Thinking about you in this in between place.

Patty Ann said...

I too have been there, not quite the same, but close. I knew I was not done. We waited 12 years before we added another one and the doctors did not think I could have any more. Not only did we have that one, but we went on to have two more sweet little girls. Life is good. It will happen however it is supposed to. And there is joy in that.

Jocelyn Christensen said...

I hear ya, and I feel ya! And I am with ya...

Sue said...

I'm sure you'll find the answers.

In the meantime, keep your heart open. And be gentle with yourself. You are not alone, it appears.

=)

Amy said...

So eloquently put. I have been having a hard time with the same thing, in my own way. Because, you know, trials are never the same for different people.
As everyone else already stated, faith and patience will see you through.

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