Saturday, February 20, 2010

How do I say it?

How can I even begin to say it?

I have dreaded writing this post. For an entire month I convinced myself that I could do it without sobbing. I have tried numerous times, always sobbing. But today, I am going to accept my sobbing and just write it already.

Husband is sick. He always will be....until a cure is found. I doubt it will be in our lifetime. I doubt it because there are too many unanswered questions. Why is it different for everyone? Where does it come from? When will it happen? Why does it happen?

Why did it happen to US?

First off, please don't think I feel we have greater challenges than anyone else. Please don't think that I am lamenting because I want people to feel sorry for us. EVERYONE has problems, pain, fears. Everyone has challenges, some very serious challenges!, most FAR worse than ours. This is just our personal one, and with any obstacle, support from those we love is always welcomed!

Last night husband told me that he was sad because many things he had wanted to accomplish in the last 10 years, aside from having a family, he has been unable to do. He was feeling old. Old in the sense that time has escaped him and plans were never followed through. Career-wise, he has felt a dissatisfaction. Every option, every dream - taken away because he was sick. That makes him feel old. Those whisperings of what to do with his life were always pushed aside for various reasons. And now...wondering if it is too late. If he still has time.
He asked my opinion.
My response was selfish, at best. I told him that the last 10 years have been solely survival. Each day, each year has been so very hard. It was okay though, because, "hey! at least we survived."
Probably not a very good way to lift his spirits.
Oh! my pessimism overwhelms even me.
Here, in my selfish moment, I thought:
We live with the fact that any day he could have another MS episode. That our thunderstorm will never fully disappear. It may turn into a drizzle. Some blue sky may even peak out. A rainbow will most definitely show at times and I will be so grateful when it appears. But the clouds, those ever-looming clouds will always have that gray hue, whether they are above me or far off in the distance.
I always pray for the far distance.

See? Such sadness in my heart.
And yet, Husband is here with me now. Standing by me. The one who is sick. Right now, looking and feeling so healthy. He sees the blue skies and not the thunderstorm. He sees what I do not. His body is sometimes weak, but his heart-- oh that heart! - becomes stronger each and every day.
He helps me forget about the rain.
And so...
This year I will walk again for my husband. This year especially, because last year still continues to make me cry uncontrollably when I remember it.

But I will walk for him.

In spite of the fact that:
  • 1 month of his medication costs $3,000. He takes a shot
  • His arm is numb all the time. He doesn't tell me, but I know it is.
  • If there is too much stress, his body shuts down. If he doesn't get enough sleep, his body shuts down. If he travels too much without rest, his body shuts down.
  • Sometimes I feel FEAR. Fear for that moment again. That moment when the worst happened. That moment when my husband was taken away from me. That sadness. That survival that we all had to endure. That composure we had to retain for our children. That. I hated THAT. Multiple Sclerosis is real. It's real for us... too real.

But I will walk for him.

Because of the fact that:

  • He is well right now. He can walk. He can still recover when this physical tragedy entails... and we know that it probably will again.
  • Prayers are answered. We have been alone, in the darkness, in that pit of despair, and our Heavenly Father and Savior have lifted us up. Your prayers, have been answered FOR US. We have been supported by our loved ones and so many others. Thank you.
  • We are not the only ones fighting. Millions are faced with the same uncertainty...the same fate...the same daily fear. We are grateful for that knowledge. Knowing we are not alone in this battle. It makes us stronger.
  • Research is being done every day to understand this disease and find a cure. The MS society is a beacon of light that we can come to. A place where we can find answers and support. Good gosh, remember when they sent us to Hawaii? (Our first year with MS was almost unbearable. Our dream trip was so welcome to the fatigue we all felt.)
  • Husband says Fear is the opposite of Faith. (I'm working on it!)
  • I understand now. Years ago it was almost incomprehensible to understand what it must have been like for the Savior when he atoned for us. To feel that wrenching pain. Some moments, I know, that I feel what he has felt for us. He has been here. And always will be. That glimpse -- I will forever be grateful for.

Please walk with me.

I am walking for my husband.

Today, I see my blue sky.

a couple things you can do if you want to help:


Evelyn said...

I always think my life is so hard and then I read something like this. I can't even imagine.

You have a beautiful blog.

Anonymous said...

You have a wonderful perspective on life and happiness. I can't imagine going through this.


Shannon said...

I hate MS.

Thinking of you guys!

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