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I took a leap and decided to advertise my photography in a super modern way..SPONSERSHIP.

Here is  my cute intro on the ever so popular Stephmodo blog. 

So ya.  

Am I cool now?

My sponser button found on the left sidebar of Stephmodo was designed by Shannon Hoover.  If you are in Southern California in the need of a photo session, or if you live anywhere and need a graphic design, you should hook up.

 

Dear Rowdy-have I told you lately?

 (source)

The other day I caught Rowdy checking out my blog.  Like a teenager making-out/caught in headlights moment, I became really self-conscious.

What post is he reading?

Is it that one about him?

Is he irritated that I mentioned him in that way?

What's he thinking?

Does he think I am a good writer?

Good picture taker?

Awesome blogger?

Weird?

Dramatic?

Etc.?

I asked him with words jumbled..."hey...what are you doing?"

And then do you know what he said?

He said, "Why is it that you say such nice things about me on your blog but I don't ever hear those things? Are you just trying to look good?"

OUCH. But oh my gosh he was right.  Not the part about trying to look good...but the part about not always remembering to say nice things in person...to his face...loud and clear so he can hear them.

I had an a-ha moment and verbally reflected that I am completely honest on my blog.  In fact, my written feelings are actually more correct than what is perhaps said (or not said) day to day.  I write my pure and honest thoughts and emotions as they come without hesitation.  No sugar coating.  No scrap-booked highlights.  The real deal.  All of it.

So the fact that he doesn't hear this from me...the honest truth about what a great guy I think he is...and how brave...and how determined...and how stink'n sexy he is...tugs at my heart.  And I wish I had the ability to be more verbally loving without restraint.  And tell him the truth more often.  And to help him see my devotion.  And to be less angry and irritable so I don't cancel out all the good stuff that I do say.

So, I'm going to try.  I really am.  But just in case it takes a bit of time to unfold (old habits die hard, you know)...here are my honest to goodness thoughts of why I love you, and like you, and am just all around glad that we're together:

1. Do you remember when I picked up your shirt to see if it was dirty only to smell your cologne, and how I came to you and shoved it in your nose and said, "THIS reminds me of college!"  Well, that is my very favorite scent in the whole wide world (you know that.)  And it made my heart flutter in remembrance.  I remembered running down those stairs to meet you and how I KNEW that you had been there in that hallway.  And I went to find you--knowing you were so close. Simply by that smell.

2. Do you remember when Kai came begging to turn on cartoons at 5:30AM and I then begged you to please go take care of him and you did? Gosh I was so grateful for that.  To have a morning when I could get up when I wanted to get up. Thank you so much for that.

3.  Do you remember when I complained about Spike and how he was shedding and ruining my life and you bathed him for a freak'n hour and then asked me to smell him because he was so clean and I refused to even get near him?  Well, just know that I smelled him later, and that he was super clean, and thank you for doing that.

4.  Do you know that you are the best leftover cook on the planet?  I am in awe of how you can take nothing piled up in our fridge and make it into something really good. And that you make Ramen into a masterpiece when our daughter expresses her hunger before bedtime. Complete with shrimp and sesame seeds and every Asian ingredient in our pantry.

5.  Do you know that I think about you every time I see beef jerky, or Jeeps, or men's Reef sandals, or hemp necklaces, or cargo shorts, or your crisp blue Sunday shirt, or belts on the floor, or super hard ice cream sandwiches, or bundles of electronic cords, or way too hot soup, or windows open, or cast iron pans, or typed (not hand written) lists, or IKEA (because you hate it there) or anything sports related, or big TV's, or Hawaii, or sushi, or anything Southern, or barbeque, or Haribo gummy bears, or punk rock at full blast, or so many other random things. 

And I love that thought of you.  Just wanted you to know.

I'm obsessed

There are few foods that I obsess over more than chocolate chip cookies.

What could I possibly obsess over more than chocolate chip cookies, you ask? 

Well, ice cream would be one of them.

.......

Why Martha?

Why?

As seen in the July 2011 Issue of Martha Stewart Magazine

Free Range

Anyone who lives in the Northwest will understand this video in entirety.
And if you don't...well then...

Welcome!

Hide-a-monkey

Sometimes pulling out the hide-a-bed in the living room is just necessary.  And piling on your entire collection of stuffed animals, too.

Is it just me, or does Rudolph look like he is staring into the deepest part of your soul?

And bleh.  Sucky broken foot. What's even more sucky is the fact that Kai acts like it's another super power and RUNS with it.

The time when he was diagnosed with a rare kidney disease

(taken right before Brianna was released from the NICU, and Aaron's diagnosis followed shortly after)

I decided to write down some stories.  The hard stories about Aaron's health that I usually talk about after our 4th conversation (or 2nd depending on how much I love you already.) This blog is so much of a journal to me, so it seems only fitting that I record some very significant aspects of our life.  I am finding that time (how old am I again?) has changed my feelings of remembrance a bit, so it's time to write them down, I think.  And I also think this will be very hard for me to do.  But that I should.

***

It was Thanksgiving Day 2001.  Brianna was 2 weeks old and a week prior had come home from her stay in the NICU due to some breathing issues after birth.  We were going to the farm and I was the first to get up and get ready.  I had just stepped out of the shower and put on my nice clothes (let's be honest--nice maternity ones that would fit) to celebrate the day with family.  Brianna began to wake up, but I still needed to dry my hair and put on make-up, so I placed our tiny babe in the nook of Aaron's arm to be with him.  I glanced at them as I was putting on my mascara in the mirror.  I loved seeing them snuggling together and my heart was so very happy. 

I called for Aaron to wake up because we were on a schedule.  He yawned a bit and began stretching and making some wise-cracks with me.  And then out of nowhere he began to make some awkward movements.  His arms started shaking and I thought he was being funny so I told him to knock it off as I laughed.  But as another second passed his physical jerking became more severe and I immediately lunged for Brianna who I had placed in his arms.  Within seconds I became a mother bear protecting her cub and I was worried about the safety of our child...even if he was only playing in fun.  I grabbed her and then as I turned my head back to yell at him for acting that way, I slapped his face.  I was so shocked that his funny acting out could have hurt her and it was literally pure instinct. 

After I did it however, I gasped and my heart sunk. I couldn't believe I had even thought that he would play too rough with our baby. Suddenly I knew something was very wrong and that his physical erratic movements were not fun and games.  I realized in a shocking instant that he was having a seizure.  

I moved Brianna off the bed and screamed his name.  I didn't know what to do and I immediately called 911.  He was shaking uncontrollably--minutes?  Seconds?  I don't recall.  After the ambulance arrived and took him away I sat in shock thinking about his unconscious stillness on a stretcher.  

It was so frightening. My strong husband was in a position of physical weakness and it took all the strength that I had inside me to get myself together in that moment.  I called his mother and asked if something like this had ever happened before?  The answer was no and she rushed over immediately to help me get items together and drive to the hospital.  

When we arrived he was very groggy and unaware of what had transpired or why he was there.  It wasn't until hours later that we found out a probable cause of his seizure, which was extremely low levels of potassium and magnesium in his body.  He had been in school full-time, working full-time and with the added stress of the birth of our daughter/NICU, the doctors felt that it might have caused his situation.  He stayed for another week and then once his levels were up and maintained, they released him to go home.

That night at exactly 1:04am I awoke startled and turned on the light on our bed stand.  A second later he began shaking again even more violently than the first time.  I called 911, said hello again to the same EMT's, and packed my bag quicker with the sense of deja vous fresh and certainly unwelcome.  Once again we left for the hospital with uncertainty.

After a few days of unanswered questions it was decided that he would be sent to Emory Hospital in Atlanta because they had more knowledge and resources of what this might be.  With a newborn, I wouldn't be able to stay with him in the hospital, so thankfully his Mother took my place and basically lived there for a few weeks. It was difficult being 1 1/2 hours away and honestly not knowing if he would be okay.

***

I was a single mom at that time, and I do not exaggerate when I say that my daughter was my saving grace.  She was unexpected and unplanned and I believe without a doubt that she was supposed to be born at that time to support me which she did in newborn fashion. I couldn't help my husband or be near him, so my attention was spent on nurturing her instead of feeling sorry for myself. One particularly hard night she slept for 10 hours straight and I was able to rest. Tell me now, what newborn does that?  She knew.  My prayers were being heard in my weakest moment and she knew.   

***

Emory is also a teaching hospital, and because Aaron's diagnosis was still unknown, many students came to visit and to check him out.  He played mind games with them a lot, often making up symptoms of hallucinations and then letting them know he was teasing them at the end.  Really, considering the severity of the situation, he handled it very well and it was amusing to hear all the student responses!

Finally, after a few weeks he was diagnosed with Gitelman's. 1 in 40,000 people world-wide are diagnosed with this rare genetic kidney disorder. What appeared to be seizures were in fact severe muscle spasms called teteny. The 2nd teteny was so intense in fact that it broke his back.  Basically, potassium and magnesium pass through the kidneys rather than being absorbed into the bloodstream. Oh-- and there is one other teeny tiny fact.

There is no cure.

It was like the earth had shifted.  Not only would he have to take large doses of medication every day, but for the rest of his life.  Not doing so would create a play by play of every incident before.

Without warning my husband was no longer invincible, and I know for a fact that this news was much harder on him than on me (which was painful, let me tell you.)  He was 24 years old.  A new husband and father with endless opportunities that come with youth. Out of nowhere, those opportunities seemed to vanish.

We struggled with these facts for a long time. The normalcy of having a disease that will be with you for the rest of your life was and still is an adjustment.  The massive amounts of medication.  The many doctor visits.  The feelings of physical inadequacy and pride. It's all there, laid out in front of you without a choice.  But at some point, you have to own what you have been given because it is yours to keep. And he has done that...courageously so.

***

He came home right before Christmas and I cannot even begin to describe how wonderful that moment was.  We knew what was wrong and we knew where we were headed.  And we were filled with gratitude because we saw so many miracles at that time:  The timing of my pregnancy and Brianna's birth, the moment that I awoke suddenly prepared for his 2nd attack, the fact that the leading doctor in this rare disease was a mere 2 1/2 hours away for consultations, the rallying of friends and family members to help in any way that they could. They were all tender mercies during such a hard trial.   

We have a Christmas ornament that my MIL bought us while she was staying at the hospital with him.  We hang it up every year, fondly even, as we remember that season.  It was a time of fear and a time of strength. It has been a very difficult road to travel, but we don't know any other way. Looking back now, we are so grateful for the preparation that it held for the future trial (his diagnosis with MS) that we would soon have to face.

The Best Granola Ever

Pairing it with Mountain High Yogurt is my fave.

Oh, I know that many have made the same claim to fame, but have you ever known me to exaggerate?  ;)

It is so delish and I honestly have to stop myself from munching on it all.the.time.  I think it officially becomes bad for you when it is eaten for breakfast-snack-lunch-snack-dinner-dessert.  Otherwise, the nutritional content is mind blowing happy and you must make some pronto!

The Best Granola Ever (adapted from Design Mom)

4 cups old fashioned oats
3 cups combo of any: sunflower seeds, walnuts, pecans, almonds, pepitas, pumpkin seeds 
1/2 cup unsweetened coconut
1/2 cup craisins
1 cup raisins
1 cup maple syrup/honey combo (I prefer more maple syrup)
1/2 cup unrefined coconut oil

Combine honey/syrup in small bowl with coconut oil and set aside (melt coconut oil if in solid form.) Combine all ingredients except for raisins and craisins in large bowl.  Add the syrup mixture and stir until all oats are coated.  Spread mixture onto a large bar pan (I use this one) or substitute 2 cookie sheets and bake at 300 degrees for about 1 hour-stirring every 20 minutes. Granola is ready when it is golden brown.  Spread it out on wax paper or greased foil and then mix in raisins/craisins while it is still warm.  Let it cool and then break apart any large pieces and enjoy!

Foil+Straws

Last night Kai and I were sitting at Brianna's swimming lesson.  He was bumbed because he can't attend his any more (darn you broken foot,) but he was surprisingly quiet and still and self-entertained while we waited.

After awhile, I looked around me and saw other parents whose young children were waiting with them and watching the swimming lessons.  The kids were also quiet and patient, but I noted how every single one was playing a game on a cell phone. 

Then I looked at my son.  His hands held a piece of foil compressed into a ball and 2 straws wrapped in my hair band.  

He played.

And I smiled.

Atta boy.

Seeping Syrup

(source)

Oh, how I felt it today!  I felt the pressure of parenthood seeping down on me like maple syrup does to Belgian waffles.  You can see it drizzling down in a steady stream one moment and then a second later you don't know where it went.  So you better pour on some more, right?

(My analogies are awesome. Really, I should be a public speaker just so you can see me on stage with a waffle maker and Grade B maple syrup.  It will be a riveting moment.  One that will forever change your destiny, I am sure.)

But here is where my seeping begins and where I hope it will one day end.  Waffles can get entirely too soggy, after all.

Today my children fought.  First with each other and then with me.  And I wanted to pray.  I really did.  I wanted to feel a loving parenting prayer in my heart so that I could keep my cool and have God rescue me from my madness.

But instead I found myself saying things like, "stop acting like a baby," and "do you know what the word spoiled means?" 

Horrific.  Seeping.  Awful.  Seeping.  Is there a training manual for this stuff?  Seeping.

There was such attitude, and frankly, I don't know if it is because she is growing up or if I am not handling this the right way.  Does one ever feel like they are handling things the right way? For instance, today I did not...at all.  In fact, I didn't do too well yesterday now that I am thinking about it.

Somebody please teach me.  Please oh please oh please.

Sometimes I see parents whose children sit on the front row at church and don't move.  They don't even need snacks.  Or coloring books.  Or things to keep their attention for an hour where a whisper is deemed too loud.

But that is not me and mine alone.   Mine are the grown up children at 5+ years who touch and prod and whisper LOUDLY and who completely embarrass me outright.  I meant to apologize to the couple behind me today.  We sat in front of them last week as well and I had forgotten to play musical chairs so that those around us did not feel constantly annoyed. My son's cast was kicked wildy about as I tried to calm his wiggles and my daughter fought to keep him off herself.

It was loud.  It was obvious.  It was hard.  And I wanted to cry with exhaustion.  They are older.  I don't have a misbehavior due to age excuse.  I don't have a reason why my son hit a kid in his class and had to be taken outside.  I don't have a reason why my daughter has taken the liberty of discovering back-talk.  I don't have a reason why I am so distressed at the fact that I feel like I can't handle my own kids sometimes.  Why asking them to pray is like pulling teeth.  Why getting Lego's picked up off the floor takes hours (literally) of back and forth time-outs.  Why fighting is common among siblings in my home and right now...between a mom and child.

SEEPING.

This parenting gig is HARD.  I wish I knew what the heck I was doing.  I wish I felt like I wasn't constantly screwing up my kids with how I possibly handled a situation wrong. I wish I just knew how.to.do.this.

And yet...

Thankfully,

There are gorgeous moments.  The kind that make you forget how awful it was just minutes before and make your heart swell with gratitude to be their Mother. How hugs and kisses and storybooks and pillow fights are abundant. How night comes and the world is still as if to remind you to breathe. 

And after I love you's are said before slumber and after your knees have hit the floor in a pleading yet grateful prayer, there is a peaceful feeling that it will all work out in the end.

And that this waffle will somehow turn out to be delicious--completely and entirely smothered in sticky syrup.  Sometimes soggy is best. 

Friday Thoughts

(source)

For the record, I am not a fan of my dog again today.  An example of no such love can be read about here.
Rowdy found a craigslist deal of the century where with some major bargaining, I got $200 worth of Pampered Chef stoneware for $70. Plus they drove it to MY town so I didn't have to drive 45 minutes to them. He's amazing.
I fed my children ice cream for breakfast. I am out of milk.  And the willpower to make anything from scratch.  But they are oh so happy, which makes the mother guilt go away.
Did you know that it is National Donut Day? You better get on that. I read about a local place here that I have never been to.  Any other Seattle area suggestions? 
A creative idea that I had in a dream is in the works and I just love it when that happens!
Ya'll come back now, ya hear?

Power of Moms Blog Contest

I was first introduced to The Power of Moms when my friend Amanda mentioned her involvement in it a long time ago.  I knew that if she was an advocate, it must be an amazing concept.  In fact, she has even gone so far as to form a learning circle of friends that visit together monthly (and which I am slightly envious of not being a part of.)

The title "The Power of Moms" says it all.  It is a strong advocate for this precious role of Motherhood and one that I would love to have more involvement in.

So this is where you come in.  I wonder, for so many reasons besides the fact that I could win a chance to go to their retreat for FREE, if my blog shows any inspiration in this regard? 

In some small way I hope that you can see how much I love being a Mom through the screen.  That you know how fiercely I love my children.  That you know that I do not take Motherhood lightly.  But also, how developing ME (my talents and passions) is an example that I want to give to my children. 

To create.  To grow.  To be honest.  To sometimes fail.  To get back up. To love. To learn.     

And I hope that what I express on this blog is what being a deliberate mother is all about.

I realize that my blog is often sarcastic.  My blog is often sad.  My blog is often dramatic and irritable and hopeful and happy.  I believe in showing more than the surface of life and sometimes that real-ness can be raw. But it is because of all of this that I show who I am as a Mother, and I believe...I strongly believe in the power of that.

So if you feel that my blog is worthy of such a nomination in any way, you can go here to say so. You have the chance to nominate 3 blogs, so even if I am not one of them (and that is perfectly okay, btw,) do it for those whom you feel are deserving!

Here is the criteria for eligibility:
•Written by a mom
•Full of inspirational ideas and replicable ideas that focus on deliberate mothering
•Applicable to a wide variety of moms – not focused on one particular religion, race, etc.
•Interesting and fun to read
•Current: updated at least 3x/week

Hopefully, I meet the criteria and if so, thanks so much;)

Vote for me HERE

Also, my dear friend Jenny is quite deserving, and since you can vote for 3, how about you give her some love, too?

Calling all vintage hankies and doilies

I need you.  Please come to my home immediately where you will be put to good party use. 

Seriously...if you have any and want them to go to a happy place, PLEASE let me know;)